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8.26.2004


"i did it, girls!" 

i type this headline jokingly, of course, as i flash my imaginary engagement ring.

i went on my second nerve.com blind date date, ever. (remember the first one? it was the pharmaceuticals man who really liked to train people who have a natural "work ethic." what a puritan! i bet he loves people who work on labor day.)

this date followed my attendance to the bridal shower of my friend. at the shower, i sat at a table of all single women (save for the lone married lady) of various ages. we were all educators. interesting. sitting there made me think i could very well handle the wedding as the bridesmaid going stag. though i can't have any alcohol or sugar for six weeks, my friend's wedding date will arrive just after my temporary diet ends. i can get drunk and chat with the other stag ladies. (this is where you insert erykah badu's "bag lady" music with my customized lyrics).

but i digress...

the date: we decided to meet up at an outdoor music festival in los angeles (right now, i'm being paranoid, readers. i'm keeping things anonymous in the event that he finds this. yeah... HE. yeah, YOU!). to describe this fateful meeting, i'll have to introduce some new terminology:

CB vs. TD

CB (acronym for "cock block"): you know what that is. you've used one and you've probably been one. a CB is the trusted friend that will deflect all unwanted laser rays coming toward you from unsavory guys. huzzah for the CB's!

TD (acronym for "tension diffuser"): for this blind date, i had my dear friend, "d" serve this role. what is a tension diffuser? read on! oh, lest i forget--huzzah for the TD!

we meet. we easily move into the easiest topic of conversation: our nerve profiles!

the guy: so do i look like in my pictures?

me: yeah, you do.

TD to the guy:: ("d" was asking all the tough questions. she was like barbara walters; she could make us cry.) do you think infiniti looks like the pictures in her profile?

the guy: well, yes. except there was that one picture where it
didn't quite look like the others.

(it was one of those, "oh, you takin' my picture?" pictures where i have a vacuous look on my face. now, that i've gotten feedback, i think i should update my profile accordingly).

**** breaking the ice...****

TD: you know when i've been on blind dates...

i don't know what she said after this because i winced when she uttered the words, "blind date." my ears could've been ringing right at that moment. i was worried, "great. now, he'll think i think this is a date. a blind date!" yes, i'm being silly and naive. yes. this was a blind date. yes. it was silly for me to think i could
play along as if it weren't. and yes, the band, has a highly-regarded bassist in it.

the guy: you know, i've never done online dating before. this is the first time. again. i winced whenever the words "online dating" were stated aloud to the hipster, drunk and seemingly eternally blissful LA hooligans that were surrounding us in the outdoor festival. god forbid they would overhear the guy's words and think i was into online dating.

the evening ensued with the guy making jokes about how i was a seasoned online dater.

the guy: so what's it like, since you've been doing this for three years, now?

that made me laugh my ass off and shake away the stigma of online
dating that i thought i had shed. ok. i'm lying. i know damn well i never shed it. there, i said it. i'm a red-faced online dater!

****tension diffused****

TD to the guy: i'm here to make sure you're not psycho.

me to the guy: i bet she threw a wrench into your plan. now, you're thinking, "great! i only accounted for the disposal of one body! now, how am i gonna get a second box for her friend?"

the guy: you know, actually, i use one of those old bathtubs from the 1930's. they're really thick, so that when you pour the acid, it doesn't burn through the tub.

****more self-reflection: courtesy of TD****

TD: so, what do you guys look for in the profiles you read?

by this time, the three of us had moved to a bar, where i had water and my TD had a coke. the guy had whiskey. he's a whiskey drinker... like me!

i had already come clean to the guy that i didn't have a paid account. that, pretty much, my online dating experience has been limited to me choosing to respond or not to people who contact me.

the guy (facetiously): i'm so honored that i made the cut! wow.

he reached over and jokingly kissed my hand. i was laughing so hard i forgot to wince at this minor invasion of my private space. he was funny. i figured, "ok. go ahead. kiss it."

having a TD really made this blind date thing go much more smoothly. in addition to posing the ice breaker questions and then later, the tougher "now let's get a bit more real" questions, my TD came equipped with a safe ride home. even though i wasn't going home in his car, he still opened TD's car door for me. hmm... chivalry. that's equivalent to a +4 charisma in dungeon and dragons.

i still have a lot of shyness to get over in this whole dating thing. i need to fight off the simultaneous feelings of, "i'm having a good time. this is fun" to "watch, i'm gonna find something i don't like about him. why am i here? i need to go home and be alone!"

i told the guy that my TD gave him the "ok" and put away the machete she was carrying to protect me.

more later...