i was looking at my newly re-posted profile on nerve.com this morning, when i finally got the answer to the question, "what's your favorite onscreen sex scene?" for the longest time, i just ignored that question because i really didn't have one. when i see sex scenes in movies, i can't help but think how it's all fake and how the people "doing it" are surrounded by a camera crew and some boom mic operator who's probably chomping on an apple as the action goes on. i swear, are all online daters titillated by the same things? so many people on nerve put down "y tu mama tambien" as their favorite sex scene. i can't even remember one of the many sex scenes in that movie. the whole movie was a sex scene.

for my favorite sex scene, i put down "hand-to-hand in 'barbarella.'" who knows how that will act as a draw.

for "last great book i read," it seems like david sedaris is the "y tu mama tambien" for the cyber literati. well, it's actually a toss up between sedaris and the frickin' author of "the da vinci code." apparently, people don't move past the "greatest hits" section of their local bookstores.

for most humbling moment, i changed it from, "when i realized my body would never move as fast as my mind," (god... was that really the most humbling moment?) to:

"who do you think you are? god's gift to parents?"

"uh..."

"go to your room!"

this was a conversation i had with my parents in 9th grade after i accidentally said the "f" word in front of my mother. to be exact, i said, "fuckin' world." for my dad, that was absolutely intolerable to cuss in front of my mother. he pretty much damned me to hell. in fact, i think he even said, "DAMN YOU!" i'm not sure that really set me straight. now, that i'm older, i will occasionally cuss like a sailor in front of my parents... but, i usually don't make it the "damn you to hell!" habit that it was back in my pubescent years.

now, i have a COMPLETE nerve profile with all the questions answered... call me, "teacher's pet."

i'm back on nerve. i just got back from camping and training in arizona for a week. i figured i could go for the cheap entertainment of reading responses to my profile (this is the optimist in me) while on the road this month for work. that, and i came up with new responses to the nerve questionnaire. so really, this whole online dating thing is just an opportunity to test out new material on my cyber audiences.

i recently attended a 4th of july party hosted by an ex of mine. i recognized one of his friends from a nerve profile i had seen. i hope he didn't recognize me. i remember walking past him to the beverage table and taking notice of him eyeing me. i hope he was just appreciating my bucket hat and not thinking, "hey! did i see her on nerve.com?"

why would i have a big hang-up about that anyway? i guess i still attribute the feeling of desperation to the idea of posting an online personal ad. in online dating, it's pure self-marketing--not of your ideas, your personally-made products or wares--but yourSELF. i'm pimping myself. i'm my own john. i'm a prostitute of love. i'm absolutely ridiculous, right now.