so, there's this 41 year-old guy:



this is a portrait of the artist as a bland man.

he sends me a message on metrodate.com advertising his assets and saying how he just needs a cutie. my question is, why me? what could he possibly get from my profile other than that i look like this:



and my being can be essentialized by the following fill in the blanks (excerpt):

• In looking for a compatible dating partner, physical appearance is: Just one factor
• My friends would describe me as: Having high energy
• On my free time, I like to: Spend quality time with one or two friends
• My first choice in a movie would typically be: Independent film
• My television viewing can be described as: I never watch TV
• This characteristic is most important in a potential partner: Intelligence
• The style of clothes that I want my partner to wear is: I don't really care
• I would like my partner to be: Social
here, i lied. i really want a hermetic lover who throws rocks at visitors who come to his door.
...
• I would prefer to live in/at the: City
• An ideal first date would be: Do something special/unique
• Of the following, I am most interested in: The Arts
i lied here, too. i'm a sucker for gun magazines.

what kind of profile interface is this? who comes up with these questions? what's worse is that for most of the questions there are preset answers from which you just have to select and settle. granted, i only created this profile so that i could peruse the membership. i wasn't finding any candy at this candy store, so i just left my profile idle.

i really love how metrodate places importance on having its members know how much television someone watches and whether or not they'll see an indie flick or "weekend at bernies 2." in my past relationships, those things were always the make or breakers. i didn't need to know if someone had a homicide on his rap sheet, or consciously voted for dubya in 2000. i just want to know that if i crash at his place, he's got a boob tube, so i can watch "csi: we gotta a seventh spin off." he's my soul mate if he's got cable.

a man claiming to be a "sexy sock puppet" sent me a message today on nerve.com. wait... let me clarify -- on the spring street networks (which could be from some member of nerve, salon.com, or the onion). he made witty responses to all the answers on my profile (and here it goes) BUT, his headline didn't make his bald head forgivable. now, i'm not saying that i wouldn't date a bald guy, i would. (here we go again) BUT, his headline read:

HAVE HER BATHED AND BROUGHT TO MY TENT

WRONG, WHITE BOY, WRONG! perhaps this colonial rapist reference is charming in his homeland (his ethnicity was specified as "mid-westerner") but when your people historically serve as the direct object of his people's action verbs, then it ain't funny.

he referenced my citing of "barbarella" as a movie showcasing my favorite sex scene (it really isn't) by saying, "if you'll be my barbarella, i'll be your duran duran."

i wrote him back:

"perhaps in your hometown in the midwest your colonial rapist reference of "have her bathed and brought to my tent" will fly as something witty and charming, but for this lady, it sure as hell won't.

i'll take artistic license to say that barbarella would not want your duran duran: too bad you wasted your credit on this infiniti."

then, i ceremoniously BLOCKED his ass. (blowing gunsmoke)