i'm not sure if this is shooting myself in the foot, but i decided for fun to include a little anecdote in my response to one of the nerve.com questions. the nerve! they're so much more fun than match where they just ask tedious questions like what kind of pets do you like, or do you have a roommate:

best or worst lie ever told:

once, a daring stranger at the bookstore asked about my hickey as i rung up his purchases:

"what happened to your neck?"

"i was skateboarding on my belly and hit a fire hydrant." (i don't skateboard--TWO lies for the price of one).

"was it a vampire hydrant?"

ouch.

hopefully, i don't get the ire of some self-righteous shit punk who says, "lying sucks!" lying does suck. but, on days when you didn't have time to apply the cover-up...

it's actually a bit of cheap entertainment to peruse the online personals. between match and nerve, i prefer the latter, hands down. the questions they ask to build your profile are a bit punchier and allow for more creativity than match.com.

example:

"in my bedroom you'll find..."

this is where you can insert: "the mummified corpse of my last boyfriend with an inspired mess of jars containing preserved organs."

however, with match, i can SMELL the onset of a mortgage, a dog and two kids. yick.

CYBER ILLITERATI UPDATE:
i still keep getting dumbass, white guy 40 year-olds on match.com who forget that 40 no longer means you're "thirtysomething" and that "white" doesn't equal "man of color." yeah, yeah. "isn't 'white' a color?" well, it's not my favorite, especially when it's accompanied with messages like:

I do not have an Asian fetish, I just like the respect of the culture. I did have a Thai girl friend for awhile. My first girl friend was philippino. I just really like the exotic look I guess.

Anyway, I hope to talk to you soon. But in any event, you have a very nice look and smile. By the way, I am not looking for someone who is high maintenance as I am pretty laid back. I do want to spoil my woman though.

i should write back and say that i'm a skilled knife thrower that needs a personal hairstylist. that, and i wear dentures. and MOFO PUHLEAZE! look up the word "philippino" before i make you a one-testicle man (vis-a-vis a knife throwing rehearsal accident).

regardless, with nerve, i've seen some hilarious profiles. some guy using the username "my lame profile" has his profile "headlined" with: "get ready for mediocrity." woo. he really has an overpowering scent of confidence. Another guy expresses his "punniness" with: "i hate dates. esp dried ones. figs aren't bad."

this is where you picture me with a grin and a head shake lifting up and back my fishing rod for another go.

all right. so, after a month-long hiatus, i decided to unhide, update and premiere my profiles on match and nerve. this time, i tried to lessen the bitterness that i think soaked my older profiles. i just put a meek line at the bottom of my profile saying, "please NOTE: asian fetishists need not apply. my AF detector is highly-sensitive. thanks."

question: what do you do when an "ex" tells you they found your profile online? before you fatefully pulled it down the last time.

answer: i SCREAM! i blurt excessive expletives to express my initial "i'm so embarrassed! why am i embarrassed? what the hell was he doing online? i wonder what he thought of my profile?" series of emotions. then, i also throw in burying my face in his chest, back, and shoulder out of the same aforementioned embarrassment because it was so deep, i wanted to roll up in a ball and die.

and then, FINALLY... i re-post my muthafuckin' profile on the same online dating service that he was using because i was there first!