I'm lost.

I was talking on the phone with MR. CONDIMENT and I realized that there is something wrong. I could not talk! All I was doing was listening.

And then it hit me.

For the past months I have been in a relationship with a man who has no idea who I really am.
After the hiatus question and a handful of other incidents I can't help but feel like I am giving up much more than I had planned. In the process I have lost my own sense of who I am and what is important for me.

Why is it so easy for a woman to compromise and give up so much of what is a part of herself than it is for a man? Why is it that a woman is expected to put aside her goals, values, principles
her LIFE for the needs of another man?

Granted I'm not saying that anyone is putting a gun to my head; however, I've realized that I am internalizing a lot of expectations of what a 'girlfriend' means. Being a girlfriend does not mean prioritizing your man over your friends, family and other people who love you for who you are. After stewing about this for a while I wrote an email to the Condiment. Here is a piece of it:

.....I think that we are two different stages in our life. You are satisfied with where you are. I am not. I have a lot more that I want to accomplish. It will take me at least a few more years to get to where I need to be.

I also feel like recently, except for the last time we were together I haven't really been myself around you. I forgot if I told you this or not but it's really easy for me to lose myself in relationships, in the sense that I cede many of my beliefs and values without realizing it. The last thing I want to do is be one of those women who identifies who she is by her boyfriend or significant other. That's why I was so hesitant in calling you my boyfriend, because I knew, intuitively that once I did I would be be letting myself go for the benefit of the relationship.

I don't think it's about the Condiment, I think this is about not feeling like I have a voice at all.

The question is, how do you stay in a relationship without losing your identity and a sense of who you are?

actually, i should have called this post, "i'm still a jerk... and then some."

updates:

have i called mr. onion?
no.

have i emailed mr. onion?
no.

have i done anything about mr. onion?
no. i've asked everyone and their mother, "what do you think i should do about mr. onion? it's been about a week."

i'm sure by now he's written me off, but my love advisor suggests that i need to work on my relational skills. not relationship skills, but relational skills. apparently, i'm not the poster child for social etiquette.

i have such a visceral reaction to guys who may be interested in me, when i'm not as interested in them. i get flustered and i don't know how to properly handle it. what's the nicest way to say, "i'm not interested?"

my M.O. (modus operandi) has been to do the quiet fade away. the "your answer is in my lack of an answer." that can't be the best way. i'm sure mr. onion thought for a minute, (i'm not too presumptuous to think that he was really hanging on the telephone for me) "what the hell? how can she tell she doesn't want to hang out with me again after one real date? bitch."

usually, i'd think: "hell, let him curse me to hell. at least he got the picture." now, i feel crappy.

i think i'll send him an email. (i know. ouch.)