9.06.2004
Hiatus?
What do you do when you hit the point in a relationship where you have to make a decision about whether to continue to see each other exclusively or see other people?
About a week ago I made a comment to PS (also known as 'The Condiment' ) about how different we are, and that if we had not met online we probably would not have met at all in person given that our social circles are so different. The next day I received an email message from PS stating the following:
I remembered what you'd said about being the opposite of me. That's why I want to re-iterate our No Expectations policy. You should feel free to explore this thought, and any others, with other people, without feeling an iota of guilt. Western dating norms demand commitment akin to marriage from people who are far, far from that big step. The opposite should be true. People who are dating should be encouraged to explore their thoughts and feelings; not bite their lip and hope a concern or thought will vanish or prove unfounded. Anyway, I just wanted to mention this.
This is my Response:
The reason why I observed out loud that we were opposites is because that day when we hung out I saw the perfectionist in you come out. That made me a little nervous; I am by no means a perfectionist; although I take immense pride in my work. What I'm trying to say is that I am not perfect, and hope you understand that. I don't think like most people think, I don't do things the way most people do things. This might jar you, or get on your nerves, or go against your sense of logic.
After a week I did not get a response from this email. So I asked him what he thought.He explained in detail that if for some reason I wanted to have sex with another person he would not have an issue with this. Since I had not mentioned this AT ALL I asked him if that was he wanted. He responded back by saying that he had shelved the idea of having sex with one person from each race.
Aside from the sexist and racist undertones I wasn't sure how to respond. So I gave him two options:
1.) We put our relationship on hiatus and have sex with other people.
We would still go out together, email, talk on the phone, everything we've been doing up to this point except for sex. I just can't go over to your place and spend the night. In other words: I won't be able to have sex with you during this time. You decide when you want to resume our relationship.
2.) Put our relationship on hold. No emails, phone calls, no going out together. Imagine that it's as if we had never met. We have sex with other people. You decide when you want to resume the relationship back up again.
He thought I was crazy. He then explained that this was a trivial pursuit for him, nothing worth mentioning or even discussing. He then told me that if he had to choose between what the two of us had and this trivial pursuit, he would choose us, hands down.
So the agreement is that as long as we are seeing each other we do NOT have sex with other people, just like we had agreed upon before.
The issue is that the more I think about this I realize that I was putting options not just for him but also for myself. Not that I want to have sex with other men. Rather, I want to have more space to myself. I am finding that it is really easy for me to get lost when I am in a relationship.
The question is: Is it normal to want to have space in a relationship? What does that consitute? Is a hiatus a breakup in disguise?
About a week ago I made a comment to PS (also known as 'The Condiment' ) about how different we are, and that if we had not met online we probably would not have met at all in person given that our social circles are so different. The next day I received an email message from PS stating the following:
I remembered what you'd said about being the opposite of me. That's why I want to re-iterate our No Expectations policy. You should feel free to explore this thought, and any others, with other people, without feeling an iota of guilt. Western dating norms demand commitment akin to marriage from people who are far, far from that big step. The opposite should be true. People who are dating should be encouraged to explore their thoughts and feelings; not bite their lip and hope a concern or thought will vanish or prove unfounded. Anyway, I just wanted to mention this.
This is my Response:
The reason why I observed out loud that we were opposites is because that day when we hung out I saw the perfectionist in you come out. That made me a little nervous; I am by no means a perfectionist; although I take immense pride in my work. What I'm trying to say is that I am not perfect, and hope you understand that. I don't think like most people think, I don't do things the way most people do things. This might jar you, or get on your nerves, or go against your sense of logic.
After a week I did not get a response from this email. So I asked him what he thought.He explained in detail that if for some reason I wanted to have sex with another person he would not have an issue with this. Since I had not mentioned this AT ALL I asked him if that was he wanted. He responded back by saying that he had shelved the idea of having sex with one person from each race.
Aside from the sexist and racist undertones I wasn't sure how to respond. So I gave him two options:
1.) We put our relationship on hiatus and have sex with other people.
We would still go out together, email, talk on the phone, everything we've been doing up to this point except for sex. I just can't go over to your place and spend the night. In other words: I won't be able to have sex with you during this time. You decide when you want to resume our relationship.
2.) Put our relationship on hold. No emails, phone calls, no going out together. Imagine that it's as if we had never met. We have sex with other people. You decide when you want to resume the relationship back up again.
He thought I was crazy. He then explained that this was a trivial pursuit for him, nothing worth mentioning or even discussing. He then told me that if he had to choose between what the two of us had and this trivial pursuit, he would choose us, hands down.
So the agreement is that as long as we are seeing each other we do NOT have sex with other people, just like we had agreed upon before.
The issue is that the more I think about this I realize that I was putting options not just for him but also for myself. Not that I want to have sex with other men. Rather, I want to have more space to myself. I am finding that it is really easy for me to get lost when I am in a relationship.
The question is: Is it normal to want to have space in a relationship? What does that consitute? Is a hiatus a breakup in disguise?
